Family Life and Friendship Network

I am grateful that so many people are looking out for me still. I've had a growing number of people asking me how I'm doing lately and thought maybe I'll take a moment and say how I am doing. I'm doing ok, I think, considering all things, but I'm also hurting more than I thought I would. I endured watching Julie's health fail, and got by alright because I was serving her and, honestly, because she was still there. Now she's physically gone and I don't have her to put all my focus on. I thought that since I know she is free and independent again, I would be happy, and I am, when I think of her. I had thought the worst was over. However, now I have time to think more about me and what I have lost. I feel pain for me, not for her. The worst is not over. I'll share these personal emotions because maybe it will lend a hand to others who have felt the same. I'll be frank about a few things, but understand that with the melancholy and other difficult emotions, I still stand, and I even have moments of happiness and joy.

Now that I have time to think about myself more, I feel more keenly Julie's absence in almost everything. I feel a great void in my life. There were times in the past that I enjoyed going out for a ride alone in the car. I always knew Julie was safely at home. Now I feel my loss I think the most when I am driving. It doesn't matter if I'm going somewhere I would have gone alone anyway or not, I still feel her loss. I cry a few times a day, often when in the car. I don't hold it back most of the time because I know that holding back emotions often makes things worse. I talk to her and sing to her every time I drive somewhere alone. I talk and sing to her at home when I'm alone as well. Avalon surprised me the other day. I told her I miss her mom, as I frequently do, and she told me she noticed I still put my hand on Julie's seat. I do that intentionally because we used to hold hands a lot in the car.

Practically everything in my life was something Julie touched. I feel that more than ever because so many things remind me of her. So many things that happen, I think of how Julie might have done things. A good number of songs on the radio remind me of Julie. My parents are wonderful people, some of the best parents a person could have. Yet they are not like Julie, and I regret, even resent that my children can't be raised anymore by Julie. We can, of course, still try to do things like Julie would have done, but nobody can ever replace her. I even try to enforce some of the things Julie did that I didn't agree with because she's not here to defend her perspective. When I go to Walmart, sometimes I avoid getting near the women's clothing. Other times, I go there intentionally and look at things I would have loved to get for her, even if it will make me cry. Avoiding the womens clothing doesn't help much anyway because practically anywhere in a store I'll see things Julie used to buy.

I used to go out with Julie every week. Since I'm used to a date every week, I started dating more quickly than I would have thought. I'm not excited about playing the dating game. It's a game I had hoped would be over forever. I have had some fun, but I really miss the guaranteed date every Friday with the woman I know and love. I miss holding Julie's hand. I miss holding her. I miss cuddling with her. I miss kissing her. I miss making love with her. Heck, I even miss arguing with her... of course I miss the things that married people should enjoy...

I feel pain emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. Yet I have something that helps me through it that some do not accept. Sometimes I feel comfort from Julie still. Sometimes I feel comfort from God, strengthening me. It isn't long before I feel a pang of loss and hurt anew, but I again receive comfort. I'm not going into detail, at least not yet, about all my spiritual experiences. I will for now only say that God is real, and that I know Julie lives still. I have felt her spirit comfort me, often when I feel weakest. I will see Julie again. I have strength from many sources to match the sorrow and help me through this difficult time. You, my friends and family, are an incredible source of strength to me. Thank you all for listening to me and caring about me. I echo the words an angel said to some humble shepherds about 2000 years ago: Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men. I echo those words because The Author of Peace touches my life, and brings me comfort through this incredibly difficult trial.

Thank you,

Brandon Mark Stout