Family Life and Friendship Network

I've divided my notes from two separate presentations given by Kent Allen, LMFT into sections called Spiritual Grief and Temporal Grief because one was what we might consider more on the spiritual side, and the other more on the temporal. Keep in mind that actually, all things are spiritual, so the division is just a way of thinking about things.

Spiritual Grief

Kent Allen said sometimes people ask him "Why can't I feel the spirit now" after they have lost a loved one. He compared life after loss as being in a sort of tornado or earthquake. He said: "If you are in the middle of an earthquake, your world is still shaking, you may have trouble being still and peaceful, and feeling the spirit". He pointed out that this was a loss of agency because you didn't choose for this virtual tornado to strike your life. Allow time for the tornado to leave, or the quaking to subside in your life, and you'll feel the spirit more in your life again. Kent also shared his own personal experience as he read in the new testament and read about our Lord suffering in Gethsemane, he was reminded that Jesus suffered three times. If you recall, he comes back to find his disciples sleeping between each time. It was the third time that he bled from his pores, and Kent felt that that third time he suffered for our pains. The suffering for our pains was greater than the suffering for our sins. The atonement means the savior can take upon Him our pain as well as our sins. Since emotional pain may be considered a temporal pain, it's a good place to move on to temporal grief, but keep in mind that the atonement applies to the next section as well.

Temporal Grief

This section I call temporal grief because the presentation dwelt on scholarly research on adult grief patterns, and a scholarly approach to self treatment. I'll start with the cycle, which is introduced by trauma.

Trauma brings shock, which makes you feel emotionally numb. Memories, stored in your frontal lobe, are scattered, which produces this numb feeling. This emotional numbness introduces certain triggers,which are emotional memories set off by your 5 senses: touch, sight, sound, taste, and smell can all be associated with triggers. These triggers bring pain or anxiety re-experienced, which brings a fight/flight/freeze response. You might feel anger and want to fight, you might want to run away (flight), or you might just zone out (freeze). All these are responses to pain or anxiety brought on by triggers. Pain or anxiety brings misread life cues on days like birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas and other holidays. These misread life cues can make us feel helpless, which makes us feel frustrated, which makes us feel angry, and it bring us right back to shock, and then the cycle starts over again. This plain-text diagram illustrates the cycle:

Trauma -> Shock -> Feel Numb -> Triggers -> Pain/Anxiety Re-experienced -> Misread Life Cues
            ^                                                              |               \
            |                                                              V                \
            |                                                    Helplessness -> Frustration \
            |                                                                        |        |
            |                                                                        V        |
            |                                                                      Anger      |
            |                                                                                 V
            +<<--------------<<--------------------<<-------------------------<<--------------+

Kent gave some definitions of Loss and Grieving. Loss is when we lose hopes and dreams that are core to our existence. Grieving is the process we go through that forces us to let go of old hopes and dreams to get new hopes and dreams that are now obtainable. On a side note, the grieving definition I'm tempted to rewrite because it's loaded with prepositional phrases... but that's the one he gave, and it makes sense after you read through it a couple times... :).

Here are some of the points he gave to overcoming trauma:

• Realize that the feelings of anxiety/being numb/hurt, shock, and even anger are normal feelings.
• Triggers come out at all times day or night. They usually come without our mental knowledge and we only recognize the anxious feeling that accompanies them. Symptoms of anxiety may be rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing or stomach churning.
• Understand that you are not losing control when you have these feelings.
• If you have a high level of anxiety, realize that it is only a higher level of adrenaline in your system. Relax; calm your breathing, clear your mind of stress and painful memories. Think about peaceful experiences and the adrenaline will gradually decrease. Then you will feel calm again.
• Talking about the trauma with trusted loved ones is helpful.
• Crying and emotional moods are normal and healthy.
• Some moments of quiet and alone time are helpful.
• Ask and allow God to help you feel at peace and hope. He will comfort you.
• Focus on your family's need for peace. You can be a great strength to them.
• Finding the answer to: Why did this happen? - is not always immediate or clear. Let go of this question for now. In God's time you will have a clear understanding.

Finally, Kent Allen talked about how losing a spouse creates a loss of agency. Yes, you have agency in how to deal with it, and what to do next, but unless you chose what happened to your spouse, you lost some of your agency. Kent gave 6 steps to taking back your agency:

1. Recognize when your agency is gone, but you can choose what to do afterward. One time your agency might be gone is when the triggers come.
2. You choose how much time you want to feel sad, angry, etc.
3. Cut the time you've been spending in half. You'll require that much time again to bounce back.
4. Set a timer.
5. After that time is done, spend the time again, the bounce back time, thinking totally different positive thoughts. Think of fun things and things that make you happy. Do not try to shut down feelings.
6. As soon as you can, do something totally different to help fill your reservoir.

We think 400 thoughts a minute. Most of them are recycled thoughts. This process helps replace the negative painful thoughts with more positive ones. It will not take you through the grieving process faster, but will help you endure it with less pain.